Growing Up with a Narcissistic Mother - Part 1

MY FIRST CHILDHOOD MEMORY WAS WHEN I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THREE YEARS, IT WAS SUMMER TIME AND I WAS SITTING IN THE KITCHEN FLOOR. MY LITTLE DRESS WAS DIRTY AND THE FILTH WAS MAKING ME SCREAMIN PROTEST. THERE WAS NO AIR CONDITIONING IN THE CITY, THE BACK AND FRONT DOORS OF THE LITTLE THREE ROOM APARTMENT STOOD PROPED OPEN WITH WHITE BUCKETS FILLED WITH HOT SOAPY BLEACH WATER. THE BACK DOOR WAS LOCATED IN THE BATHROOM, THAT IS WHERE SHE WAS. iN A BATHTUB OF COOL WATER, WEARING MY FATHERS WHITE TSHIRT, SMOKING ONE CIGGERETTE AFTER ANOTHER, LAUGHING THAT DEEP, INFECTIOUS LAUGH THAT MADE MY FATHER, "WEAK IN THE KNEES". SHE WAS TELLING ME TO STOP THE CRYING , AND COME LISTEN SHE HAD SOMETHING VERY IMPORTAINT TO TELL ME. SO, I GOT UP, STRAIGHTENED MY DRESS, WALKED QUICKLY TO THE BACK, TOSSING THE CLEANING CLOTH INTO THE SOAP BUCKRT. I SAT ON THE FLOOR, JUST OUT OF HER REACH. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I CAREFULLY MEASURED. CROSSING MY LEGS, AND LOOKING UP AT HER I SMILED. IT HURT MY FACE. sHE PUFFED HER CIGGERETTE, NODDED AT ME AND I GOT UP, WENT TO THE WASH BOCKET, TORE MY FILTHY DRESS OVER MY HEAD AND TOSSED IT IN. i WENT TO THE DRAWER, TOOK OUT A BRIGHT WHITE CLOTH . LOOKING AT HER, FOR AN UNSPOKEN PERMISSION, SHE NODDED AND I RELIEVED STOOD ON TIP TOES AND TURNED THE COLD WATER ON IN THE SINK. i WET MY CLOTH TURNED OFF THE WATER AND SAT ON THE CLOSED LID OF THE TOILET. BEGAN TO BATHE," TO EXPLAIN, KARRIE ANN DO YOU KNOW WHAT LOVE IS? "YES MAMA, I LOVE YOU". 'NO NO "SHE SAID, "I MEAN A LOVE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN." i SHOOK MY HEAD NO, ALTHOUGH I HAD AN IDEA. SHE BEGAN TO SCHOOL ME ON THE SUBJECT OF "LOVE"." lOVE IS KEEPIN HOUSE CLEAN, COOKING GOOD FOOD, BEING GOOD IN BED, NOT TALKING BACK AND KEEPING HIS BUISNESS TPO YOURSELF. "AND, IF YOU LOVE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU GET GIFTS ON FRIDAY EVENING. THIS WAS JUST BEFORE SUN UP ON FRIDAY MORNING. i NODDED ALONG, SMILED WHEN SHE SMILED, AND WATXCHED CAREFULLY, BECAUSE EYE CONTACT WAS IMPORTAINT TO HER. yOU COULD TELL SHE WAS BORED ,SHE FINNALLY WAVED HER HAND AND TOLD ME IF THAT KITCHEN FLOOR WAS CLEAN, I COULD GO TO BED. i DID. ON THE FLOOR IN THE LIVING ROOM I PULLED M ROOM CLOSET. MY LITTLE PILLOW AND BLANKET WAS SUCH A RELIEF. I CLOSED THE DOOR, ALMOST ALL THE WAY, AND FELL ASLEEP, REPEATING OVER AND OVER ALL SHE HAD SAID. IN CASE I WAS QUIZED ON IT LATER.